Affliction the Bipolar Curse

I made a few modifications and decided to republish...

2009-02-17T13:18:00.001-06:00

Why was I denied?
Denied a fathers love...
Because
He just didn't want me

Why was I stripped?
Stripped of my mothers love...
Because
She BEAT it out of me

Robbed of friendship
Because my peers...
Ignored me

And the trust I gave
To the woman I loved
My trust...
Taken advantage of

All of it...
Denied to me

All of it...
Gone

GONE

Till all
That remains...

Is HATE

An unforgiving hate...
For everyone that hurt me

A deep, unrepentant hate...
For EVERYTHING!

This Hate

Fueled by my very soul

Hate...
Consuming
Me
Whole

This Hate will not subside

And my Hate will not
Be
DENIED!

Hate...
Born out of grief

For the things I was denied

For the things I wanted

For the things I DESERVED!

And all I wanted

All I...

I...

I just wanted my father...
To acknowledge me

I just wanted my mother...
To accept me

I wanted my peers to welcome me

And I just
Wanted
The woman I loved...
To believe - In me

I do not want to be angry anymore

I do not want to Hate...
ANY
MORE

I just want what YOU have

I just want
To
Be
LOVED!

But now...

NOW

All that remains...

Is HATE!

My Letter to the Media...

2007-04-29T20:52:00.000-05:00

Why is there so much talk about keeping handguns OUT of the hands of the "mentally ill"?

We shouldn't be discussing eliminating the constitutional rights of people who've done nothing wrong, as if they were convicted felons.

The media uses the term "mentally ill" so pejoratively that it perpetuates a social stigma that causes mentally ill people to keep it a secret rather than seek necessary treatment.

Those we label as mentally ill are businessmen suffering from Anxiety and Depression; they're our wives and daughters suffering from Postpartum Depression; they're police officers and veterans suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and, statistically, the mentally ill are more likely to be the victim of a violent crime than they are to commit one.

The media should use it's influence to educate and evangelize instead of demonizing our loved-ones suffering from an illness, mental or otherwise.

Regards,

-afflicted
USCG Retired
and Bipolar Sufferer

Can I keep it?

2006-10-04T12:48:00.000-05:00

Well, I finally got a good jay oh bee! Money is great and I really enjoy working here. Now I just hope I don't self-destruct and screw it all up... again.
I'm still living in the Homeless Shelter but as long as I can keep my head on straight I should be able to afford a car and an apartment and get outta there within the next month.
God I hope I don't screw this up!

MIA

2006-08-16T18:36:00.000-05:00

Thanks to all of you that have read and commented! I truly do appreciate it. I haven't been able to post in a while because I've been living in a homeless shelter and don't often have access to a computer.
I'll be back!

-afflicted

RAGE

2006-04-19T10:34:00.001-05:00

Why was I denied?
Denied a fathers love...
Because
He just didn't want me

Why was I stripped?
Stripped of my mothers love...
Because
She BEAT it out of me

Robbed of friendship
Because my peers…
Ignored me

And the trust I gave
To the woman I loved
My trust...
Taken advantage of

All of it...
Denied to me

All of it...
Gone

GONE

Till all
That remains...
Is HATE

An unforgiving hate...
For everyone that hurt me

A deep, unrepentant hate...
For EVERYTHING!

This Hate

This...
RAGE

A Rage...
Fueled by my very soul

Rage...
Consuming
Me
Whole

My Rage will not subside

And my Rage will not
Be
DENIED!

This Rage…
Born out of grief

Grieving for the things I was denied

Grieving for the things I wanted

For the things I DESERVED!

And all I wanted

All I...

I…

I just wanted my father…
To acknowledge me

I just wanted my mother…
To accept me

I wanted my peers to welcome me

And I just
Wanted
The woman I loved…
To believe – In me

I do not want this Rage...
Anymore

I do not want to Hate...
Anymore

And I do not want to be Angry...
ANY
MORE

I just want what YOU have

I just want
To
Be
LOVED!

But now…

NOW

All that remains…
Is HATE!

-afflicted

Disguises

2006-04-17T11:14:00.000-05:00

Disguise:
"The act of concealing the identity of something by modifying its appearance..." -Wordreference.com

"We get So much in the habit of wearing disguises before others

that we finally appear disguised before ourselves" -Francois de la Rochefoucauld

God I'm depressed. I've been sitting here, just sitting here... ALL day. Sitting here in my tiny little apartment, with no internet, no cable TV and no electricity... Reading book, after book, after book. "Oh god I cannot read another single word"!

No electricity. "Damn. If I just had electricity I could watch some TV or I could easily spend all day on the internet". Then I remember how the last time I was manic, for almost a month, I spent all my money... On clothes. And suddenly I remember why I couldn't pay my bills this month... Why I have no TV, why I have no electricity, and why I have to walk 2 1/2 miles to the Library just to use a computer.

"But at least I have some kick-ass clothes..." Right? At least when I walk out the door of my tinny little apartment I LOOK GOOD! Like a disguise... Carefully planned to hide who I really am. Who I really am... Who am I really? Nobldy knows who I really am! I don't dare let anyone know who I really am. "Oh god, if anyone knew about my disorders... "They'd just think I was crazy, or wierd.

God I'm depressed. "If I sit here any longer I swear I'm gonna... " I gotta stop thinking like that. So instead, I walk to my closet, put on my latest disguise, and walk down the street to my favorite bar.

"Wow, there are a lot of people in here". Too many people. My heart starts to race, beating faster, harder. I start to sweat. I can't panic now... not HERE!

I lower my head and slowly walk to the bar - avoiding eye contact with everyone. Finally I reach the bar and waste no time ordering a drink. My nerves still jumping, so I order another drink... And a shot this time. Another shot and my nerves start to calm and I can actually lift my head. That's when I see. That's when I see everyone, all of them... All of US. Each one of us wearing our own disguise. Expensive suits, designer jeans, breast implants, heavy makeup and fake nails... All of it carefully planned to fool everyone, to fool ourselves.

Then... she walks by. Looking at me... At ME, smiling at my disguise. Smiling at the false projection of who I want her to think I am. And she had on one helluva disguise too.

"Dude, the women in here LOVE you" said the guy standing next to me. Too close to me... talking to me. "Oh god, I can't talk to anyone. They'll just think I'm crazy, or wierd", I say to myself. So I order another drink.

Soon, I'm talking to people... And people are talking to me! Smiling at me and laughing at my jokes. People like me when I drink... Hell I like me when I drink.

I remember, at my last session, what my therapist said. Telling me how I might have a "drinking problem". I have no problem drinking. "I'd stop, but my momma didn't raise no quitters... " I said jokingly.

She didn't laugh.

"I just do it to calm my nerves. I just do it to make me feel better. Just like my meds are supposed to make me feel better. Would she tell me to stop taking my meds... " I think to myself.

Another drink and now I'm brave. Now I have enough courage to talk to that hottie I saw earlier. So I find her and we talk. "She thinks I'm hot. I wonder if she'd give me her number", I think to myself. I ask, and she gives me her number. What a boost to my ego that was.

When she leaves I find the next sexy disguise and repeat the process. Then another. And another.

By now the alcohol is really starting to kick in, so I leave. I wake up in the morning back at my pathetic, tiny little apartment... Barely remembering the walk home. I pick up my disguise and hang it back in my closet when a handfull of napkins with phone numbers on them fall out of a pocket.

"Oh god, now what? What do I do NOW"?

I'm not quite so brave anymore... Now I'm scared to death.

"I can't actually CALL them! What if they think I'm crazy or wierd"?

I never did call them. I never call ANY of them. They wouldn't like me anyway. Not without my disguise. Without my disguise... They'd just think I was crazy, or wierd.

So I grab a book, and I read, and read, and read.

God I'm depressed.

-afflicted

Who did you WANT me to be

2006-04-14T13:45:00.000-05:00

It was awful when I found out that I suffer from Bipolar Disorder. But at the same time it was a huge relief... Now I have an explanation for my extreme mood swings. Now I know why I go on uncontrollable shopping sprees. Now I know why I get so depressed and tired that I just don't want to get out of bed let alone leave the house. I can't describe what it's like to suffer from Bipolar Disorder. It's something you would have to experience for yourself. Living with this... Affliction is pure HELL! But I also know that it's a challenge for family and friends. You can't possibly understand me completely, but you CAN learn everything about this disorder as you can, if you care. And that's the word for the day, care. Do you care? If you do then realize that I'm not crazy, lazy, or hyper. This is a real disease. Every bit as real as diabetes, or cancer so please treat me the same way as someone with any other disease. Bipolar Disorder is a chronic, lifelong condition that has no cure.

Society conditions us to think of people that don't control their moods as self-indulgent and immature. It trains us to exert self-control. But those of us that suffer with Bipolar Disorder, or any other mood disorder, CAN'T exert self-control because OUR self-control mechanism is broken. And it hurts like hell when you say mean things like "get control of yourself", "just get up and do it", or "snap out of it". It makes me feel like a worthless failure. And as much as I would like to, and I desperately want to, I can't just snap out of it and get control of myself. So I need support from you just like someone with diabetes or cancer. Know that when I'm being distant or avoiding you, it might be a symptom of a depressive episode. Understand that when I'm irritable, angry or thinking of spending all my money that I might be having a manic episode. Don't get mad at me if I forget to do something. Sometimes I can't remember what you told me yesterday... Hell sometimes I can't remember what you said 10 seconds ago and I lose things all the time. That doesn't make me stupid (my IQ score is 145 so I'm probably smarter than YOU are), it might be a side-affect from my medication.

I don't HAVE control over my mood states. Criticizing me or rejecting me simply irritates me when I'm manic and reinforces my feelings of worthlessness when I'm depressed. I'm not saying that this disorder gives me a blank check to act as I damn well please! What I AM saying is that this disorder has hijacked my emotions. The best I can do is to treat and manage my disorder with medication and therapy. So I just don't need your criticism or your scorn. What I need is your patience, understanding, and MORE patience.

I made the mistake of revealing my affliction to friends and family. Now I have no friends... And my family, well, we don't speak anymore. And unlike the friends and family who abandoned me, my disorder will NEVER go away.

But to anyone that may choose to be my friend in the future, or hopefully even a girlfriend or wife... "I suffer from Bipolar Disorder. If you're willing to deal with my ups and downs, then I know some great resources that can teach you a lot about my disorder".

And to those of you who avoid me and abandoned me... "Would you have abandoned me if you discovered I was diabetic or had cancer"?

I am cursed with an affliction called Bipolar Disorder.

THIS IS WHO I AM!

Who did you want me to be?

-afflicted

What's the Problem?

2006-04-13T10:42:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I think we're not the ones with the problem

Sometimes I think the rest of society is just a pack of sheep... Numb to the world

Conditioned to "control" their emotions so they don't offend anyone

Fitting in with the crowd

Sometimes I think we're BETTER than they are

We FEEL

We EXPERIENCE life... In all it's forms

Like a Kaleidascope of emotions and senses

Then I realize that I've been manic for a while now and it's time for my meds

-Afflicted

I WILL NOT BE A VICTIM

2006-04-12T17:50:00.001-05:00

I have a bit of inspiration now. No... Now I'm just straight up ANGRY!

Just like a lot of other Bipolar sufferers, I belong to a number of support groups, chat groups, etc. Most of the members of these groups are supportive, kind, intelligent individuals suffering from a debilitating affliction I call the Bipolar Curse. But today I discovered something alien to me. I discovered some of the members prefer to wallow in self-pity. Just like my ex, they would rather use their disorder to manipulate others in order to garner nothing more than sympathy. They have NO desire to understand this disorder as completely as they can. I ask them "how in the HELL do you expect others to understand you if YOU don't understand yourself"? (Remember those amateur psychologists and psychiatrists I rambled about in a previous post?)

Today in one of these support rooms, the topic "Mentally Ill vs. Chemical Imbalance" arose. Now let me tell you up front that nobody enjoys being labeled mentally ill. The term conjures up visions of knife wielding, hockey mask wearing psychopaths, hell bent on killing everyone in sight.
So... A newbie to the group came in looking for support as they had just recently been diagnosed and was having a really difficult time with it. We all understood that, we all went through it. Several of us threw our hats in the ring and offered our comfort. Someone offered the stance that Bipolar is "a chemical imbalance" and nothing more, period. At the same time I proposed that Bipolar Disorder is a real medical condition, one with physiological causes.

Ding-ding... It was ON!!!

From here it got fairly heated. In the "chemical imbalance" corner was a self-proclaimed "psych nurse" (I don't doubt their credentials at all by the way). And in the other corner was... Me! Team "Chemical Imbalance" was relentless. Their position was that Bipolar is purely a chemical imbalance.... Period, end of story. Basing their attack on emotions and observations. Team DNA (that's me), countered with carefully gathered information. Basing their attack on research from expert doctors and scientists from the Mayo Clinic and Johns Hopkins University to name a few. To say that Bipolar Disorder is a chemical imbalance is a simplistic explanation that stops well short of the real culprit - DNA! Saying that bipolar is only a chemical imbalance is like saying drops of water sometimes fall from the sky. True in it's simplicity, but where are those drops of water coming from? What causes those "drops of water" to gather and fall from the sky in the first place? And just like those drops of water... the "chemicals" are imbalanced for a reason. Those chemicals are controlled and regulated by SOMETHING aren't they? Those chemicals are regulated by glands and neurotransmitters. Those glands and neurotransmitters in turn get their orders from our genes. And our genes are part of our DNA.
I'm no scientist, and a real scientist would probably laugh at my simplistic explanation of the regulation of chemicals (hormones).
I wasn't contradicting anyone. I was merely expounding on their stance. So...The fight ended and both fighters shook hands and hugged. The judges ruled it a draw and we went home happy. Unfortunately something got lost in the process. Or should I say someone. The poor soul that joined the group, merely looking for information, understanding, and comfort was forgotten in the whole thing. We should have been focusing our energies on making them feel welcome.
But I'm still angry. Some say ignorance is bliss. Well if that's true then some of the people in that, and other, room(s) must be the happiest people on earth in spite of their... Affliction. Allowing it to turn them into victims.
I know I'm Bipolar. I don't have complete control over it, or my own life by any means. I may be a prisoner in my own damned mind. But damn it, I will fight this disorder every step of the way and... I WILL NOT BE A VICTIM!

-Afflicted

P.S
For those of you crazy enough to actually read my blog... Here's a little tidbit. Oprah is planning a future show on Mental Illness (there's that term again). Please, follow this link to Oprah's website and fill out the form to send them an email thanking them for giving "Mental Illnesses" some much needed attention. I can't think of anyone better to shed some light on the topic as Oprah commands such a HUGE audience. Gotta LOOOOVE Oprah!

Very flat

2006-04-12T15:17:00.000-05:00

I'm not feeling exceptionally inspired today. Actually, to be completely honest I've been manic for days now. Operating on very little sleep. It's not that I'm flat or uninspired exactly. It's these racing thoughts. I can't focus them into a coherent sentence. Hell, I can't focus them into a coherent THOUGHT! My anxiety is high, having panic attacks. I still have no electricity in my apartment (I'm about to be evicted anyway) so I ride my bike to the library to read, use the internet to TRY and find a job, and just generally keep myself occupied so I don't get too depressed and hopeless. Was that a run-on sentence? Being online, in the bipolar chat groups and chatrooms helps me a great deal. But my anxiety and OCD are starting to take a toll. The library is supposed to be quiet. It's so loud here... Too many people. Too many kids running around unsupervised. Last night the kid using the computer across from me kept coughing... But he refused to cover his mouth. Now I'm afraid I'm going to get sick which would be very bad because I don't have insurance. No insurance = no doctor. Don't parents teach their kids to cover their mouths when they cough these days? Where WERE his parents anyway? When I pulled my shirt up over my face to keep his germs away everyone looked at ME as if I were the one doing something wrong. If someone were running around the mall snatching purses and one lady decided to hold hers close as not to be robbed... Why condemn her???
I know I'm manic right now. I know I'm being irritable and the OCD is driving my responses. But isn't it supposed to be quiet at the library?

Calm Before the Storm - Deciphered

2006-04-11T14:08:00.000-05:00

Realizing that few, if anyone, would "understand" what I meant in my previous post... I've decided to decipher it for you, and for myself actually. It represents how I feel when I transition through my mood states. From depression, to mania, and back again. Equal but opposite states, and equally dangerous. From active/passive thoughts of suicide while depressed, to careless/destructive behavior while manic. This is how I feel. Other Bipolar sufferers will have their own expression of how they feel.

"It's a cloudy, overcast, ugly day. No life. No desire. No passion. Just... existence... barely. No sunlight. No... SUN. No laughter outside... or inside. No noises of playing. The wind is dead and gone."

This represents how I feel in my depressive state. Gloomy, nothing seems worth doing. Can't and don't wan't to get out of bed.

"Then the clouds break. The Sun shines down upon everything. Warming even the gloomiest places. Like Spring. Life JUMPS back into action. Friends and family surround me. Familiar, smiling faces appear. The clouds parted... For a while. The Calm Before the Storm."

The 2nd part represents a return to a normal mood state. I feel like getting out of bed. Like going to the gym. Spending time with friends and being just generally active. In this state of mind I feel positive.

"Soon the wind picks up and the clouds roll in. Oh... but not the same clouds as before. The wind blows... harder. Bringing the foreboding smell of rain. Seducing my sense of smell. People... scatter. Running for shelter. Knowing the storm to come. What do they know that I don't? Why do they fear the storm?"

The 3rd part represents my gradual transition into hypomania. I'm really started to feel energetic, talking a lot, getting a lot done. I really enjoy this state. I feel so... effective and ALIVE! And everyone can see that I'm getting manic. Everyone except me that is. And when I feel this way I don't really care. I enjoy it so much.

"The wind gusts. Sounds of thunder in the distance. Brief flashes of light ...and the smell of sweet rain. Oh that sweet, sweet smell. The storm nears. The first drops of rain touch my skin. The wind blowing through my hair. The thunder crashing, lightening brightens the sky."

This 4th part is where I am fully enjoying the hypomania including the onset of hypersexuality.

"The storm is here, overhead A GLORIOUS wind pushing pushing pushing me pushing everything in sight. Rain pours down upon me, and who doesn't dream of making love in the rain? Thunder, so POWERFUL! Shaking the very ground beneath it. Lightening so bright it seems to blind everyone, everyone except me! Wind, Rain, Thunder, Lightening... overwhelming my senses. This a furious storm. This is MY storm."

The 5th part describes my transition from hypomania, to mania. I truly feel powerful at this point. I feel like my actions will have no consequences and that I'll find a way to get ANYTHING I want done.

"But now the wind is relentless. Pushing me down, the rain flooding the streets. Deafening thunder. Lightening striking the ground all around me. Will no one save me from this storm?"

Here in the 6th part my mania is totally out of control and even I notice the problem. In this state my friends have all abandoned me... and I just can't figure out why. I've done some serious damage socially and financially at this point.

"Then as quickly as it came, the storm passes. The clouds part and the sun restores life. Family and friends return. But fewer this time fearful of the next storm."

In the 7th section, I finally come down from the manic state I was in. People notice that I'm calm and level headed again and feel ok to be around me. But I've lost some friends and family because they're afraid of my next episode and can't/won't understand me.

"And suddenly the clouds block the sun again. Gloomy, lifeless, ugly clouds making everything... grey. Oh... how I CRAVE the next storm."

And finally in the last section I'm forced to assess the damage caused by my last episode of mania. Lost friends, financial ruin... And as a result I eventually descend into another state of depression. But at the same time I remember how I felt when I was hypomanic... completely ignoring the damage done when I was manic because anything is better than how I feel when I'm depressed.

-Afflicted

The Calm Before the Storm

2006-04-10T20:26:00.000-05:00

It's a cloudy, overcast, ugly day

No life

No desire

No passion

Just... existence... barely

No sunlight

No SUN

No laughter outside

or inside

No noises of playing

The wind is dead and gone

Then the clouds break

The Sun shines down upon everything

Warming even the gloomiest places

Like Spring

Life JUMPS back into action

Friends and family surround me

Familiar, smiling faces appear

The clouds parted

For a while

The calm before the storm

Soon the wind picks up and the clouds roll in

Oh... but not the same clouds as before

The wind blows...

harder

Bringing the foreboding smell of rain

Seducing my sense of smell

People... scatter

Running for shelter

Knowing the storm to come

What do they know that I don't

Why do they fear the storm

The wind gusts

Sounds of thunder in the distance

Brief flashes of light

...and tht smell of sweet rain

Oh that sweet, sweet smell

The storm nears

The first drops of rain touch my skin

The wind blowing through my hair

The thunder crashing, lightening brightens the sky

The storm is here, overhead

A GLORIOUS wind pushing

pushing

pushing me

pushing everything in sight

Rain pours down upon me

and who doesn't dream of making love in the rain

Thunder, so POWERFUL

Shaking the very ground beneath it

Lightening so bright it seems to blind everyone

everyone except me

Wind, Rain, Thunder, Lightening... overwhelming my senses

This a furious storm

This is MY storm

But now the wind is relentless

Pushing me down, the rain flooding the streets

Deafening thunder, lightening striking the ground all around me

Will no one save me from this storm

Then as quickly as it came

The storm passes

The clouds part and the sun restores life

Family and friends return

But fewer this time

fearful of the next storm

And suddenly the clouds block the sun again

Gloomy, lifeless, ugly clouds

Making everything...

grey

Oh... how I CRAVE the next storm

Throw me a Pity-Party

2006-04-10T10:42:00.000-05:00

I've been up ALL night. I can tell you for sure I'm manic but dammit I'm angry. I need to give my thoughts validity. These ANGRY thoughts that have been consuming me completely all night. I'm in a RAGE!! What am I so angry about you ask? I almost feel guilty for FEELING this way but I NEED to give these thoughts a voice, they're DEMANDING a voice and by god if I don't they're going to MAKE me give them a voice. I'll think of a much more blog-worthy topic later, but for now I'm gonna rant!

About 2 years ago I met a girl. The most beautiful, sexy, alluring woman I've ever come in contact with. Of course my anxiety and self-doubt kept me from even talking to her for a long time. "Why in the world would such a sexy, apparently confident woman want with a loser like you" the voice told me. I also found out that she was married and had 3 children. "No way", I thought. She has a PERFECT body. Not a stretch mark to be seen and every guy within sight wanted this woman.
We had several mutual friends, and about once a week I went out with these friends for dinner and drinks. She started showing up about 2x a month and we started to become friends... fast! I had no idea however that she was into me as well... not until one night she asked me to walk her to her car. We got to her car and she asked me to get in, I got in. She jumped right into my lap and told me how hot she thinks I am. We kissed for what seemed hours before she had to get home (her husband was calling her incessantly).
Well, to get to the point we started to have an affair and BOY did I feel guilty. I did NOT want to break up a family. I couldn't even get it up the first time due to anxiety and guilt. But that voice started telling me " do it... It's not your fault she's unhappy at home. If he's not doing his job then it's not YOUR fault". If it wasn't me, then she'd find someone else right? Well, that was my justification anyway. I also found out that she had an affair in the past. That should have raised a red flag but damn I was blinded by love/passion.
She quickly revealed to me that she suffered from severe depression and had so for most her life. She managed it with medication and therapy and asked me if it was going to be a problem. A problem? No way. She and I had such a deep, passionate connection that we just could NOT resist each other. We were magnets, POWERFUL magnets that nobody could pull apart. We both felt that way. We felt as if no one else on earth had ever understood us like this.
Eventually she told her husband of the affair and left him. Our affair had turned into a full-blown relationship. We spent most of our free time together and our sex life was unbelievable.
Her husband moved out of their house... he hadn't been able to keep up with the mortgage anyway so he actually came up with the idea of ME moving in and taking over the mortgage. I moved in. At this time I still had no idea I was Bipolar (in retrospect that's probably why we connected so deeply).
Our relationship was dynamic, passionate, fun... maybe too much so. Certain events caused me to question her loyalty. She confessed that she had slept with her soon to be ex-husband not too long ago. I was upset, angry... she apologized and confessed that she didn't tell me sooner because she "knew" that I would leave her - so I forgave her. I wanted to be with her so badly that I made excuses for her. After all, they had been together for almost 11 years and he WAS the father of her children. Anyone could make THAT mistake, right? At least that's what I told myself.
Still undiagnosed, my problems started to take a toll on our relationship. I lost my job and I was procrastinating taking over the mortgage because I was afraid of getting locked into such a HUGE commitment with a woman who wasn't even divorced yet. She knew how I felt and filed for divorce soon after. But certain things kept going downhill. Her depression made her very volatile and difficult to deal with. But I dealt with it, daily, and offered her my support every step of the way. But I started resenting her for always acting like she had a corner on the "moodiness" market. She got away with everything but dear god there was hell to pay if I ever got upset. I did everything for this woman. I forgave her infidelity. I supported her with her Unipolar Disorder (depression). I paid for her childrens birthday parties. I took the "family" to the waterpark, to Chucke Cheese, to Gatti-Town. I spent a couple thousand dollars to help send her and the kids to Disney World. I didn't even get invited to go. When she came back she started talking about feelings of guilt. She saw families there, kids with their mothers AND fathers and how happy they seemed. "How the hell do you know if those were their parents? Maybe they were uncles, aunts, step-fathers or mothers" is what I thought. Within a week she had left me and gotten back with her husband. They put the breaks on the divorce and I quickly plunged into a severe and uncontrollable depression. I was misdiagnosed by my doctor as having "situational depression" and was started on antidepressants. It did NOT work and soon I was rapid-cycling. I finally got 3 other opinions and discovered that I was Bipolar. But back to the story.
Although she had "gotten back with her husband" we were still screwing around. Once again we were having an affair because she couldn't figure out what she wanted. She told me, and him, that she was passionately in love with ME but wanted to do "the right thing" for the kids. Over the next 4 or 5 months she kept flip-flopping between me and her husband. And I let her. One Friday she came to me and told me she was finally done with him. That she had given him 11 years of chances and that it was time for her to make herself happy. We were back together again, or so I thought. The following Monday, just 3 days later she was done with me completely. So completely that her husband sent me a nasty email saying that they were going to get a restraining order if I "kept bothering her". She was even telling our mutual friends that I was bugging her. She had completely thrown me under the proverbial bus. People were getting in my face telling me to leave her alone. I lost ALL my so-called friends because of this. Nobody even asked for my side of the story. She had garnered all the sympathy and I nothing but apathy. At one point I was even planning my death. I made a video of my last wishes. Dear god I was actually PLANNING to kill myself. Thank god a certain "event" occured that prevented me.
But what made her do it? Did her husband find out what had been going on? Did her conscience get the best of her? Maybe all she really wanted from me WAS an affair, while I wanted much more? She's suffered from severe depression her whole life. She knows my feelings, thoughts, issues. How could the ONE person that should know better - treat me like that? I can understand others doing it. They know nothing of my issues, but HER! This was a calculating and EXACTING betrayal.
That's what makes me so damn angry! How could she do that to me? How could she do that to someone that took care of her and her children for almost a year? Did I do something wrong? Self-doubt was consuming my every thought. Then the feelings of betrayal and anger started creeping in. If you read my April 7th post called "My Bipolar History", you'll understand why I suddenly felt as though every single person I've ever cared about... that was supposed to love and care about me... had BETRAYED ME! This was all her idea. From asking me to walk her to her car, to leaving her husband, to moving in with her, and finally back to an affair. I didn't resist too much, I know, but she made the first move every step of the way.
Now we don't speak at all. I received no apology. No explanation. Just a simple "I want to move on".
I'm so ANGRY. I hate not understanding how this happened. I hate not knowing WHY this happened. But most of all... I hate myself for still loving her.

Bipolar Disorder in the Workplace

2006-04-09T17:32:00.000-05:00

Eearlier today, in one of the many bipolar support chatgroups I belong to, the subject of Bipolar Disorder in the Workplace came up... okay, I BROUGHT it up! Instead of retyping it I thought I'd simply repost here what I wrote there:

"I'm a Business Analyst/Project Manager by trade. I was working for a Fortune 500 company for YEARS! I worked out of one of their smaller offices in Florida, had my own HUGE office and could close my door whenever I felt a panic attack or a mood change. Even though I was routinely juggling 4 or 5 projects at a time, I managed the project team from my office via phone calls, email. On days I didn't want to go in I could log onto the VPN and do so from home. Well the company re-organized the Department and relocated us all to the same place. Suddenly I found myself sitting in traffic for 90 minutes each way to and from work. Went from an office with a door to a tiny cubicle. And now I was dealing with my project teams face to face AND had the major stakeholders looking over my shoulder. I was paralyzed. I couldn't get anything done. All my projects fell behind and I eventually got let go. Job after Job I keep repeating the same scenario. I find myself unable to deal with people directly. If virtually or by phone, I'm AWESOME. I do so well when I'm manic, if I have a job working from home. But as soon as I have to venture out for a client meeting... sometimes I find myself panicking so much that I never show up at all.
Another question is this... you mentioned that being bipolar/OCD we're covered by the ADA (that's the Americans with Disabilities Act of 1990). That brings up a whole new messy subject. When do we/don't we inform employers of our dx's (diagnosis)??? Wouldn't I have to inform them BEFORE being hired of my disorders, running the HUGE risk of them turning me down anyway?"
Now I know, according to the U.S Equal Employment Opportunity Commission that employers shouldn't, and in fact it's illegal to, discriminate based on disability. But how in the hell do you prove it? All they have to say, I would think, is that they found a more "qualified" candidate. This link to the EEOC is specifically geared to educate Job Applicants on the ADA.
Here's a quote taken from that page:

"The ADA prohibits employers from asking questions that are likely to reveal the existence of a disability before making a job offer (i.e., the pre-offer period). This prohibition covers written questionnaires and inquiries made during interviews, as well as medical examinations. However, such questions and medical examinations are permitted after extending a job offer but before the individual begins work (i.e., the post-offer period).
9. What are examples of questions that an employer cannot ask on an application or during an interview?
Examples of prohibited questions during the pre-offer period include:

Do you have a heart condition? Do you have asthma or any other difficulties breathing?
Do you have a disability which would interfere with your ability to perform the job?
How many days were you sick last year?
Have you ever filed for workers' compensation? Have you ever been injured on the job?
Have you ever been treated for mental health problems?
What prescription drugs are you currently taking?

10. May the employer ask me these questions after making a job offer?
Yes. An employer can ask all of the questions listed in Question 9, and others that are likely to reveal the existence of a disability, after it extends you a job offer as long as it asks the same questions of other applicants offered the same type of job. In other words, an employer cannot ask such questions only of those who have obvious disabilities. Similarly, an employer may require a medical examination after making a job offer as long as it requires the same medical examination of other applicants offered the same type of job."

Now I realize that NONE of this has anything to do with my being let go from my job. Nor have I, as of yet, had any problems obtaining a new job. I simply have problems MAINTAINING jobs. But either way I thought it was a worthwhile topic so if you read this, I implore you to follow the links to the ADA and EEOC and read what they have to say.

Bipolar Education

2006-04-08T14:45:00.000-05:00

I would like to focus this posting on the diagnosis of Bipolar and dedicate it to all those amateur Psychiatrists and Psychologists out there.

I was out with some friends last night and the topic of my "condition" came up. And as usual someone had the answer to all my problems because "they" had gone through the same thing. Yeah, right. I was told that it's all in my mind and that I can "get over it" and control it if I simply want to. Just like that Lucinda Bassett lady who seems to think all I have to do is breathe and focus really, really hard, and I'll be cured! As if I ENJOY the anxiety. As if I ENJOY the panic attacks I get. Or as if I just LOVE the depression and mood swings I get. I'll admit to enjoying the mania, I get a ton done! I even manage to drain my bank account on new clothes when I'm manic lol.
What do these amateur psychiatrists think? That I'm some sort of Jedi Knight? Perhaps I'm full of Midi-Chlorianes and can learn to use "The Force"? "Focus afflicted, focus, let the force run through you. Do not be tempted by the dark-side (Bipolar)". Give me a friggin break. I know this disease can be controlled, I want it to be controlled. But it takes proper medication and therapy. And it's always there, it will never go away. It's something I'll have to live with and monitor the rest of my life. And if I don't then it will resurface and continue to wreak havoc!
So... for all those amateur Psychiatrists out there, and I'm no professional myself, heres a little bit-o-education for ya because you know what they say... "a little knowledge is a dangerous thing". And I can't think of anyplace it's more dangerous and harmful than in medicine/psychiatry.
So please read what some of the, um, EXPERTS have to say:

About.com Bipolar Awareness
National Institute of Mental Health Bipolar section
Johns Hopkins Bipolar info (now who the hell can argue with THEM? The day YOU become as educated, experienced and generally as smart as these experts then maybe I'll listen)

And those are just a few. So now here's some of what I've learned:

The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (the DSM IV), developed and published by the American Psychiatric Association AND the most widely used psychiatric reference in the WORLD, classifies Bipolar (1, 2, rapid cycling, etc.) as an official mood disorder with genetic and environmental causes and abnormalities in section 296. There are obvious chemical and physical abnormalities involved including neurons, neurotransmitters, proteins, serotonin levels, I could go on but suffice it to say that there's no way for me to talk about it in great detail here. I recommend going to your local library and checking out the DSM-IV-TR for yourself or at least Google it! Bipolar Disorder generally runs in families and has definite genetic and DNA causes. Meaning that some people have a propensity to develop it sometime in their lifetime. Scientists have identified at least one gene that may be related to Bipolar Disorder but they are not sure if it's the ONLY one. And since not everyone with the predisposition for Bipolar Disorder actually develop it then it's speculated that there may be environmental "events" that assist in the development of the disease.

Listen, I do not profess to be an expert on the issue but I will tell you that living with it and researching it out of necessity has, as a result, taught me a great deal. And I'm not about to let anyone tell me it's all in my mind.

I'm done ranting now. And NO I wasn't manic when I wrote this... sheesh.

My Bipolar History

2006-04-07T10:45:00.000-05:00

At my last session with my new Psychiatrist (I don't have a Psychologist right now), she wanted to get some history from me. So I told her my perspective on how/why I might be suffering from all this. Here's what I told her:

My father was never around. I mean EVER! I never knew him and I think that as I got older that led to feelings of abandonment. On top of that, my mother was physically and emotionally abusive. Always yelling, screaming, slapping and hitting. And I had to compete with the Uber-Sibling! It seemed like no matter how well I did something, "SHE" did it better and everyone let me know it too. My mother would tell me how much she hated my father. She would also at times tell me how much I reminded her of my father. So on top of feeling abandoned and an underachiever, I interpreted her hatred for my father and how much I reminded her OF my father as meaning that she must hate me too. Kinda like that question on some of the IQ tests - If all Widgets are Smidgets, and all Smidgets are Gidgets... are all Widgets Gidgets? Or something like that, but the point is that it was easy and I think unavoidable for me to make that connection. My mother was also very strict when it came to things around the house. I swear if there was one speck of dust under the carpet in the far corner of the room she found it. And then there was hell to pay! Maybe that's where the OCD comes from?

As a child I was terrorized. I was always the only, or one of the only Black children in my neighborhood and school. Back then it wasn't so popular to be Black. I had to tolerate racial slurs and always being left out. Hell, even when I would inform my teachers about it they did nothing, as if it was something that I just HAD to deal with. But wait... the other Black kids taunted me just as much if not MORE sometimes because they felt I was "tryin' to be white". I just couldn't fit in. But that wasn't the only reason. I can always remember being thought of as weird by people. So I learned to just keep my mouth shut and keep to myself. Then in High School I got sick and spent more than a few months in the hospital. Not a single friend came to visit me. That's when I realized that I just didn't HAVE any friends and that I probably never would. I'm no Psychiatrist but I think these things went a long way to "cause" my Social Anxiety.

Who knows what causes someone to be Bipolar. From what I read it could be a combination of genetic and environmental... abnormalities. My girlfriend had suffered from depression her whole life and takes meds along with therapy. We connected on such a level that we both felt as if nobody had EVER understood us like that. We were passionately in love, and the sex was incredible too! It wasn't just me, she felt the same way or so she said. Hell, we didn't talk about if we we're going to get married, we talked about WHEN! Obviously I'm not going to give all the details as to protect her identity. So when the woman I thought I was going to marry and have a child with suddenly left me 6 months ago... the shiznit hit the fan! She went back to her "ex" and made everyone we both knew think that I was bothering her (even though we had still been screwing around after she went beck to her ex) and started lying about me... I again felt abandoned and went into a severe depression. I went to my regular doctor to talk about it, BIG mistake. My GP misdiagnosed me as simply having "situational depression" and started me on Zoloft. When that didn't work he put me on Welbutrin and Trazadone so I could sleep. Well, once I found out that I was Bipolar I also found out that the antidepressants had triggered me to be a rapid cycler as well.

So that's what brings me to where I am now. Bipolar 1, Social Anxiety with Agoraphobia and OCD. The OCD aint that bad. But the Bipolar-ness and the Anxiety feed off each other. As soon as I start feeling anxious I panic. Once I'm done panicing I usually get severely depressed. I actually like the mania cuz I get a lot done and have a lot of fun... well except for the spending sprees that usually leave me broke lol. I just wish I could get this junk out of my brain, control my moods and just be normal.

Lucinda Bassett

2006-04-06T18:00:00.000-05:00

OK, who in the hell is this Lucinda Bassett lady and why does she think I can "breathe" and or "focus" my way to a Bipolar, Social Anxiety w/Agoraphobia, and OCD cure???? Tell me! I feel like Stewie from Family Guy.

Trying to help myself

2006-04-06T12:45:00.002-05:00

Today I've been job hunting, searching for a room to rent (since I'm about to get kicked out of yet another apartment - hence the job hunting for money), and researching organizations and resources to get some help with my conditions. I'm afraid that I won't be able to hold down another job NOR pay my bills as a result until I DO get this under control. It's difficult to get anything accomplished with no phone or car. It just seems like every time I make some headway I have another bout of anxiety because I'm afraid of screwing things up - and then I end up screwing things up BECAUSE of my anxiety. Or I get delusional that everyone is out to get me, or worse yet, I get manic and believe that I can do anything I want and there will be no consequences, that things will be magically ok.
Good news is that I have received 2 call-backs for job interviews. Here's the bad news - I use Vonage for my home phone service. For those of you that don't know who they are it's a VoIP (Voice over IP) phone company that utilizes your High Speed Internet connection for telephone use (and NO this isn't a "plug" for them). "IP" stands for Internet Protocol, the same IP as in your IP address. Well, my electricity has been turned off so I cannot use my internet and as a result... my phone. I AM able to use the library computers to log onto Vonage's website and listen to my voicemail - pretty neat huh. But I can't call them back unless I find some phone to use somewhere. Pay phone won't work 'cuz I'm broke. I WILL find a way to call them back, but then what do I do? I have no car to drive to any interview nor do I have the proper clothes FOR an interview (that's a story for another day - I'll start to freak out if I think about it too much now).
Thing is... I'm very employable and have a fairly decent resume so getting a job isn't usually a problem for me - KEEPING it is!

I know one thing for sure... my financial situation is SO bad now that I am definitely going to file for bankruptcy... as soon as I can afford it, lol.

But like I mentioned earlier, I've been searching for some "help" with my conditions and was turned onto the National Alliance on Mental Illness, or Nami. There was some good info there. I also ran across the Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance (DBSA). Both good sites. I get a lot of info from About.com. I subscribe to the Bipolar Section but you can search for info on any topic there. In fact here's a good article I found on About.com on what our government is trying to do to assist and inform the general public on mental illness.

Well, that's enough for now I think.

Monitoring my stats

2006-04-05T19:45:00.000-05:00

I joined this free site to monitor my stats - www.psychtracker.com
Hopefully that will give me some insight into my mood patterns. I dunno.

The Diagnoses

2006-04-05T18:18:00.000-05:00

My first post... Here goes:
All my life I've known something was "wrong". I didn't make friends easily but I certainly lost them with the greatest of ease. I never really fit in with any crowd so I just thought I was weird. I sometimes heard voices, sometimes was afraid to go out the door or conversely had so much energy that others hated to be around me. I was "diagnosed" as a child as "Hyperactive". That was their reason why I passed tests easily but couldn't focus in school. Well, several misdiagnoses and YEARS later... I was diagnosed as Bipolar 1, Social Anxiety with Agoraphobia and OCD just 6 months ago. It came as a shock to me as I always avoided Psychologists and Psychiatrists due to the stigma and misinformation that surrounds "mental illnesses". These 3 afflictions have cost me all my so-called friends, ruined relationships, lost me good jobs, and generally destroyed my life. They are a curse if left untreated properly. This blog is my personal story and update on my life. Mainly, I hope it will be a good source of therapy for me but if anyone reads my posts and finds some helpful information or solace in knowing that YOU ARE NOT ALONE, then I'll be very happy. Kinda reminds me of one of my favorite songs, from the Queen of the Damned Soundtrack - "Forsaken".